Did you ever notice that when asked a question we sometimes offer a simple “no, thank you” while other times we react with a charged “NO WAY!” response? And that, while a “no, thank you” response draws very little attention, a NO WAY response draws the wrong kind of attention?

Let me explain the difference.

• A “no, thank you” is an uncharged No response to a question. It is simple and clean. It gives you and others clarity and direction. It’s helpful. It’s No Big Deal. You don’t pay much attention to it nor does the person asking the question.
• A “NO WAY” is a charged No response. It’s more of a reaction. It carries emotion and feels forceful. It leaves you unsettled and possibly upset. It also has the potential to leave the person asking the question unsettled and upset.

With a charged No, even if we use polite words, the emotional charge seems to linger in the air. Afterward, both of you may wonder about the exchange. You may feel unsettled as to why you felt so strongly about the question. They may be confused by your charged response, wondering if they said the wrong thing or why you responded the way you did.

 

When you react to a question with a charged No, it’s a sign that something about the question triggered a past negative experience. Unfortunately, that means all the negative emotions, beliefs, expectations, and resolutions associated with that past negative experience will feel as true and real today as they did at the time.

Simply said, you’ll respond to today’s question as though someone is asking if you want to repeat the past negative experience. (Which of course you don’t!)

 

A friend asks you to go sailing this weekend.

First scenario – the uncharged No response.

You had good experiences with sailing in the past and you would love to go this weekend, but you’re busy. Your response would be something like “No, thank you, I’m busy”. This response is clear and clean without an emotional charge.

Second scenario – the charged No response.

You had a terrible experience sailing as a child. You experienced fear (negative emotion), concluded that sailing was unsafe (limiting belief), expect it will happen again (negative expectation) and resolved never to go sailing again (limiting resolution).

If the negative emotions, beliefs, expectations, and resolutions from a past negative incident are unresolved, a simple invitation to do something similar will likely trigger a charged No response.

The invitation to go sailing this weekend triggered that past negative sailing experience. Even though this person is inviting you to enjoy a beautiful day sailing, you can’t respond with an uncharged “no, thank you” because it feels as though they are asking you to repeat the terrible sailing experience you had as a child.

If you make a decision based on a charged no, you might regret your decision later.

 

As part of our natural defense system, the brain stores an “imprint” of every negative experience. Among other things, the imprint includes all the negative thoughts, feelings, expectations, and resolutions from that negative incident.

Since the brain stores these imprints to keep you safe, it triggers the imprint anytime it seems like you might repeat the negative experience.

Unfortunately, the brain cannot measure the relevance of the past danger to the present circumstance. That’s up to you.

 

Although you can’t control getting triggered, you can control your decision-making process. When you feel an emotional charge to a question, follow these 4 steps.

1. Remember it’s a sign that a past negative experience has been triggered
2. Politely delay responding to the question with “let me get back to you later”
3. Sort out what happened in the past from what’s happening today
4. Delay your final decision until you can respond without an emotional charge

 

To sort out the past from the present, look for the similarities and differences between the past bad experience and the current circumstance.

Using the sailing scenario from above, here’s an example of sorting out the past from the present.

Yes, they both involve sailing, but the people involved are different. This person really knows about safe sailing. It’s a much bigger boat. It’s a much safer body of water. The weather forecast is good, not stormy like before. Although, I didn’t know how to swim then; I know how to now. As a child I was afraid to tell anyone that I was scared; now, I can ask for help if I need it.

After you sort out what happened in the past from what’s happening today, you may still not choose to go sailing this weekend, but your decision will no longer be driven by your past. It will be a well-informed decision that leaves you feeling strong and confident, not unsettled and upset.

 

Of course, the ultimate solution is to resolve the negative thoughts, emotions, expectations, and resolutions from past experiences so that they don’t get triggered again and again.  If you want to free yourself from the influence of past negative experiences, reach out to us, or someone like us, to help you so that you can be completely free to move forward with your life.

 

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this rule so please leave your comments below.

Tell us your experiences with charged NO WAY! responses, or ask us questions about this rule and how to apply it. We’ll get back to you within 24 hours.