The forth rule in our 5-part series on How to Make Decisions You Won’t Regret is “Don’t let self-doubt take you out.”

In the last post we talked about the importance of finding a true Yes. In this post we’ll talk about how to follow through on a true Yes when it matters most.

When a true Yes has the potential to take us in a new direction, it’s possible that self-doubt will stop you from moving forward. Even if you’re sure it’s a true Yes, when it’s a big decision, self-doubt might have the power to keep you from going for it.

The regret of missing out on a true Yes can last a lifetime. That’s why it’s so important to stop self-doubt from taking you out.

In this post, we’ll help you understand the cause of self-doubt because, the more you understand, the less power self-doubt has over you.

 

Most self-doubt stems from past negative experiences. If you’ve lived a charmed life, you probably don’t experience a lot of self-doubt. However, if you had a difficult childhood, been in challenging relationships, experienced violence or loss, or had other negative experiences, you’ll be more susceptible to self-doubt.

 

As part of our natural defense system, the brain stores an “imprint” of every negative experience. Among other things, these imprints include the thoughts, feelings, expectations, and resolutions that formed at the time of the past negative incident.

We call these thoughts, feelings, expectations, and resolutions the Big 4 because they play a key role in many of our lives. Here’s a few examples of how the Big 4 may show up in your life.

• Negative feelings of fear, anger, sadness, vulnerability, guilt, shame, blame, etc.
• Limiting beliefs like I’m bad, unlovable, unworthy; I can’t trust people; Life is hard, etc.
• Negative expectations like: I’m going to get hurt; It will never work out, etc.
• Limiting resolutions like I won’t try anything like that again; I’ll never get caught off-guard again, etc.

 

Even when we know that the Big 4 stem from our past, when they occur today, they feel as true and real as they did during the first incident. And since they seem so real and true, they can easily stop us from moving forward on a true Yes.

Here’s an example. You apply to 10 colleges. You’re accepted by several, one of which is Harvard, your first choice. But instead of being happy that you’re accepted by Harvard, you’re feeling inferior and too afraid to go.

 

It’s natural to have a little doubt about starting anything new, especially something that changes a significant part of your life. However, this normal type of doubt will not keep you from trying. It’s small and insignificant and takes a backseat to the possibility offered by the new adventure.

Example: you may have a little self-doubt about fitting in at Harvard, but it would never stop you from going because you know the possibilities are too great to pass up.

Big 4 self-doubt won’t take a backseat to possibility or to anything else. The Big 4 comes into play to keep you safe – and keeping you safe will override possibility every time.

The trickiest part of Big 4 self-doubt is that because they feel as true and real as they did during the first incident our perspective of today’s incident is usually distorted. Even though it only takes a few similarities to trigger the Big 4, we will feel as though we are in the same exact situation as in the past.

Your job is to learn to see those Big 4 negative feelings, beliefs, expectations, and resolutions as things related to your past that are unlikely to be relevant to your experience today. Yes, there may be a few similarities to the past experience, but the relevance is considerably less.

You can keep possibility alive by sorting out the difference between what’s relevant today and what’s driven by your past. Without this distinction, Big 4 self-doubt can influence your decisions and take charge of important parts of your life.

Instead of self-doubt being in charge, you can use the following steps to take charge of your self-doubt.

 

1. When self-doubt keeps you from moving forward, step back and see if you can name one or more of the Big 4.
2. Once you’ve named the Big 4, ask yourself if this situation reminds you of a negative experience that happened in your past.
3. If you determine that your self-doubt is related to the past, understanding that it’s based in the past and not relevant today may be enough to put your self-doubt into perspective, enabling you to move forward towards your true Yes.
4. If your self-doubt persists even though you realize it stems from a past negative experience, reach out to us, or someone like us, to help you release the imprint of the past negative experience so that you are free to move forward with your life.